Subtitles By: Exclusive pappu.innocent@mail.com
(Cheering)
(Whistling)
Well, Thanks very much.
Before we even start, l suppose I'd better warn you
that in my act there is certain amount of bad language.
I'm not talking about split infinitives.
There will be some swearing and there is some material of a sexual nature.
So if you are offended by rude or crude material, For heaven sake
don't be a cunt about it.
l was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago
I got talking to a girl in front row and asked a girl her name.
She said, "Pataka." I said, " That's an unusual name, You don't hear that every day."
To which She replied, "Actually, I do."
I don't know. Does anyone in here use Vodafone products by any chance?
Any one? - YEAH, YES
Mainly people over there.
l imagine that's where the reception is best, is it?
l don't use Vodafone products. Not because they are not good products
I’m sure they're reasonably priced I'm sure they work reasonably well.
But I don't use them because l don't like their advertising slogan.
Its: "Join the world's largest mobile community."
Now Correct me if I’m wrong,
That's the gypsies.
No offence to you.
If you want to dress in that manner and live in a lay-by, it's very much up to you.
l can't believe you went like that. Well done. Good.
- What's your name? - Scott.
Don't feel bad about everyone laughing at you Scott. Sorry
You and I both know they all need clothes pegs.
There'll always be work for people like Scott to avoid.
My father used to say: "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Till the accident.
Feminists say... and you may agree with this, you may not.
Feminists say: "A woman's work is never done."
Maybe if they got themselves organized, it'd be better.
A bit of an icy stare there, madam.
What you gotta understand That is post modern misogyny.
That joke is in fact steeped in irony.
So Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.
l had one of those "serious relationship" conversation the other week
With my girlfriend Where She sat me down and talked at me for about six hours.
l hadn't realized until then that when a man says he is "spoken for"
That is quite literally what he means.
She said to me: "Jimmy, We're at a crossroads in our relationship.
"Down one road is hard work and commitment but, ultimately, happiness.
"And down the other road, well, the other road is a dead end."
And I said, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction."
I’m glad you laughed. She went fucking mental.
l should point out at this early stage in the show
that despite my dress and general demeanour,
I'm not gay.
Unless you're from Newcastle,
and by "gay" you mean "owns a coat".
You're looking a bit disappointed there Sorry, but homosexuality isn't my thing.
No hard feelings.
Sorry, I don't want to spoil the mood. I'm not you know...
I'm not homophobic.
I'm not scared of you.
it's fine. Obviously, Some people are straight, some are gay. That is fine.
I'm what you might call a "stray".
I'm straight, but I'm socially gay.
l notice when a female friend changes her hair or buys new shoes.
But I won't accept your cock in my arse.
It's less of a joke, it's just something l wanted to make absolutely clear.
l get the feeling by that look on your face l may have misjudged this situation.
You either look hard or gay.
Hopefully not both.
You look as if you want to take me outside.
I'm not entirely sure why.
l suppose either way I'm buggered.
I'm sure you will have ascertained I'm quite middle-class
and I'm from the Home Counties.
So I don't have an accent.
This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly.
Not that there's anything wrong with being working-class...
These days.
being working-class is very much like masturbation.Nothing to be ashamed of.
Of course, it's nothing to be proud of either.
And both give you calluses on your hands.
Sting the popular singer:
Sting's often bragging about his eight-hour sex sessions with his wife Trudy.
Imagine how long he'd be able to keep it up if she was a looker.
In Japan they believe that tiger penis improves fertility,
but I think if you really want to get pregnant,
you're best off using a man's cock.
My best mate's girlfriend is six months pregnant.
They said, "Do you want to feel the baby?"
On reflection, l think they meant on the outside.
They say travel broadens the mind.
Except with Americans, where it tends to widen the arse.
Lot of people quote the fact that only ten per cent of Americans have passports.
Thing is They say it like it's a bad thing.
Don't get the wrong idea I've got nothing against Americans,
It's just one came up to me after the show a couple of weeks ago
and he said he thought l was pay-tronising.
l said, "l think you'll find that's pronounced pat-ronising."
It means when you talk down to someone.
Don't worry. I'm not being condescending
I'm far too busy thinking about important things you wouldn't understand.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this Did you know?
You're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than in New York City.
It's because you don't live in New York City.
My favourite news story last year came from America. I'm sure you all saw it.
It was about a man in Utah, an American man.
He was out rambling in the wilds of Utah, the beautiful desert landscape
There was a rock fall and his hand was trapped under a boulder.
He had to sever his hand in order to walk to freedom.
Incredible story about human courage. Did you all see that story?
l can't believe anyone saw it and didn't ask themselves the question
Cos I think it does beg the question: "Would I be able to do that?"
I gave it quite a lot of thought and I think Yes I would be able to do that
What do I care about an American's hand?
If it's life or death, I'll cut his fucking head off.
The other story that sort of tickled me from America
Not quite as inspiring I'll be absolutely honest with you
was the story of an English woman and an American man.
This made the papers earlier in the year
They were flying from JFK to London Heathrow, never met each other before.
Flying at First Class. They just knew each other for 8 hours
They were arrested as they came in to land at Heathrow.
The reason They were arrested because the lady was fellating the man.
It means sucking off.
As they came in to land, lady was fellating the man. I prefer a boiled sweet.
l can't quite imagine how that happened.
Presumably at some point she turned to him and said: "My ears are popping.
"Have you got a boiled sweet?"
And he said, "No, but I've got an idea."
Now have we got anyone from around the country? Is any one in from The North?
- (Several people shout) - Quite a few of you.
I ask you What's the point of a North-South divide if you don't police it?
It is the peculiarity of United Kingdom
People from Liverpool tend to think people from Manchester are a bunch of cunts.
And vice versa, people from Manchester think people from Liverpool are cunts.
When will they realise?
l should apologise. I've used the C-word rather a lot so far this evening and.. umm
l know a lot of people specially ladies find that a little bit offensive.
There is of course an alternative to "cunt".
l don't mean up the arse.
Are you all familiar with the phrase "See you next Tuesday"?
It's the polite English way of saying the C-word so as not to cause too much offence.
Although ironically I can't think of too many situations
Where you wanna call someone a Cunt but you don't wanna offend them
It's sort of what I like about it.
I'll have a bit of a sit-down. I think..
Are you all right? Was this the sort of thing you had in mind?
No. Right. OK. I'm fucked.
Who's come the furthest? Has anyone come like.. a long way.. from overseas?
- (Man) Canvey island. - Canvey lsland?
l know Canvey island, so I know you've not come a long way from your home,
you've just brought it with you.
Did you come with him?
No. Good.
Canvey Island's the furthest anyone came. Fuck you.
You were all in the area anyway?
- What's that? - (Man replies in high-pitched voice)
Was that Dover, or were you castrated before you got a chance to...
Right.
Were you worried about sounding silly so you put on a ludicrous high pitched voice?
"That should sort things out." Shouldn't it?
So you're a sailor, are you?
Imagine my surprise at your high-pitched voice.
Hm. Bad things come in threes.
A good example of that is Atomic Kitten.
Every time I think about Atomic Kitten Actually I'm slightly sad
Somewhere in the Northeast there's a supermarket three checkout girls short.
l wrote that joke for a thing called Worst Britons where I had to write jokes
About lots of celebrities. It was a program that we put on Channel 4.
l wrote this as well, if it's of any interest to you.
l went to a car-boot sale the other week
I found this old, brown, bent leathery tool.
It turned out to be David Dickinson.
I don't know if anyone seen any of the other TV shows that I made
I make a show called Distraction at the moment. Has anyone seen that?
- (Cheering) - Oh. And one person liked it?
That's good. If I can entertain just one man, I'll have been shit.
Distraction it's quite good its Channel 4's replacement to Sex And The City.
Just imagine the city is Dundee and the sex is anal. You get the idea
l do another show called Your Face Or Mine. Has any one seen that?
It's quite a good fun I think. It's a fun show.
It's as shallow as a tinker's bath.
No offence. I didn't mean...
But you know it's quite a fun show.
It's basically about couples.. It's about looks in relationships.
- Who thinks looks are important in a relationship?
- (Several voices) Yes.
Quite a few of you are being honest this evening.
l sort of sit on the fence on that one. Are looks important in a relationship?
You don't look at the fireplace when you're poking the fire.
But you do when it's sucking you off, so...
Are you two a couple?
Do you mind me asking how on earth that happened?
What were you thinking?
- I don't know. - You can do a lot better than that.
You're punching way above your weight.
Not just a lil bit It's a different league.
Well done.
ls that money or personality or...
low self-esteem on her part?
Lovely little mix of all three?
That's basically the show.Your Face or Mine That's it. That's all we do.
We string that out for haIf an hour. The magic of television.
Although It is quite awkward sometimes. Cos its quite young couples on the show
And you know they are 19 or 20 and they are talking about their looks
It can be a bit awkward sometimes.
We had an incident on the show Where a woman came on with a medical complaint.
I'm not sure what the correct medical term is but she had a wonky face.
I'm pretty sure that's not the correct medical term.
She wasn't an unattractive girl either she was quite good looking
but one haIf of her face was a lot lower than the other. Just a bit wonky
What happened is She sent in a video tape to be on the show
And recorded it rather coquettishly, like that.
Then she turned up and gone like that and we all went like that.
And obviously the producer said, "Well, This is quite a serious thing.
"It's a show about looks. She's got a wonky face. We've got to address it."
l thought, "What am I gonna say? What's with the wonky face, love?"
I didn't say that. I said: "Could you tell me about your face?"
Luckily she played along. She said: "Yes, There is a story behind this
When I was 11 I had a skiing accident.
"l was skiing down a hill and I skied into the side of a chalet.
"l broke my leg, my arm, jawbone, cheekbone and eye socket
"and I had to be airlifted to the hospital."
And I said: "At least you got to go in a helicopter."
Her face fell.
Sadly it didn't even up. That would have been...
Rather miraculous.
l can't be the only person. In real life l do constantly put my foot in it.
l can't be the only one that does these kind of things
I've learned the hard way not to refer to your partner as your "current girlfriend".
It suggests you're looking for an upgrade.
That doesn't seem to keep them on their toes the way you think it might
No, they don't like it.
I've also got a policy now after several unfortunate incidents,
whereby I would rather see a pregnant woman standing on a bus
than a fat girl sitting down crying.
Come on, we've all made that mistake, haven't we?
The worst thing is, you know immediately you've made it.
"When's it due?
"Hang on, there's nothing due.
"You just like your food."
It's a terrible moment You just want the earth to open up and...
Swallow her.
Obviously It'd have to be a fucking big hole.
Now the other time when I put my foot in it But sort of deliberately is in charity shows
l do quite a lot of charity shows. I'm not pretending to be particularly altruistic
I do them because they are really good fun.
Loads of comics do a show. There's about ten of us backstage.
We all hang out together. It's like a little social and what we do is
We dare each other to open with the most inappropriate line possible.
What happens is, I tend to win the bet and not get invited back.
Which if you think about it is a double win cos you don't get paid for those shows.
l did a gig for the Ashling Foundation. Does Anyone know the Ashling Foundation?
No? They're a small charity, based in London.They are an Irish charity
They take Irish builders and navvies that came over in the '50s and '60s
And these are older guys that have fallen on hard times.
They give them pensions and retirement homes in the West Coast of Ireland.
l did a gig for them. I thought it was a great charity.
I went out there I said: "It's lovely to support the Ashling Foundation.
"I've got a new slogan for you.
"Fuck off home, the roads are finished."
Apparently they're famous for their sense of humour.
Oh, no, they're fucking not.
The other.. The other charity that l did a gig for last year was Stonewall.
You know Stonewall? Largest gay charity in Europe.
I did a gig for them up in Edinburgh.
I went on and I said: "It's lovely to be here in Edinburgh
"I'm not sure about supporting Stonewall.
"Sure maybe If we raise enough money,
"Maybe one day we'll be able to find a cure.
"But I'm not sure there's anything wrong with being gay."
That was pretty much their reaction.
Although they were slightly more theatrical.
l don't want to sound callous or unkind or cruel
but the Children of Courage Awards...
How much courage does it take to get poorly?
All I'm saying is Maybe we could change the name
To the Children of Horrible Misfortune.
That way we could include ugly children as well.
If anyone's sitting there thinking: "I really didn't like that joke
I don't like the subject matter l didn't think it was very funny,"
Imagine how it went down at the Great Ormond Street gala.
Comedy's been pretty good to me over the last couple of years.
I had a sort of good run here
l wanted to give something back.
l thought I'd do try and sort of put some.. do some guerrilla comedy,
Put some comedy in places where you don't normally find it.
Obviously you all you know.. come out to a comedy show this evening
And people watching comedy DVD tend to be in quite a good mood already.
What about the people that are not having a good day?
What about the people.. I don't know, reading the small ads?
I mean you can't be having a good time If you are reading the small ads.
You're either buying something second-hand or you filling in a personal.
And let's face it If you're summing up your personality in 30 words or less
It basically means you don't have a good one.
So what I thought I'd do put some you know.. I've got a credit card,
I've got quite a good phone manner.
I'll place some small ads, maybe cheer some people up along the way
- Would you like to see them? - Yeah.
Course you fucking would.
This is the first one that I placed l put it in the personals.
"Incurable romantic seeks filthy whore."
This one's slightly more optimistic that that.
It's a bit more ambitious.
"Albino he-she seeks similar."
I've not had any responses to that as yet
but as soon as I get two I'll set up a blind date and they won't believe their luck
This next one is the basis for all small ads in my opinion, in the personals.
"Good-looking, athletic Nortting Hill based movie star, millionaire,
"seeks gullible stunner."
The business opportunities section of papers...
l travel up and down the country doing lots of stand up gigs
and I always sort of read the local paper.
Business opportunities section, useless for me
unless you want a cafe in Solihull. No good
l thought I'd try and brighten it up with an ad. I placed this
"Small minority wanted to spoil it for the rest of us.
"There's always one - is it you?"
Now Sadly I didn't get any responses at all to this next one.
"Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate practical joke."
Now The announcements section in a local paper should be an interesting thing.
But it's not It's Births, marriages and deaths.
Of course If you know the person involved in being born, getting married or dying,
you know, you don't need to read it in the paper, so it's a bit pointless.
My nan used to collect anything to do with our family or friends.
She used to collect all the personals from the local paper
She'd put them in a shoe box. She collected them all for 50 years.
And then she died and we put them in the bin.
That's not a joke, that's just what happens.
Anyway, I thought I'd try and cheer up the announcements section of the paper
l went with this ad. "Amanda, I'm running a bit late.
"Will be there in about an hour.
"How far apart are the contractions?"
This next one is well it's just playing odd.
l ended up putting it in public and legal notices
Only because I was out of ideas as to where to put it
"Nemesis wanted.
"I'm 5'10", into kayaking, books and conversation by day,
"justice, honour and vengeance by night.
"Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crime lord or deformed megalomaniac."
This is not my finest piece of work but I kind of like it.
"Speech impediment? There's a New support group for the London area
"Call D-D-D-D-Dave..."
We set these up with real phone lines so people could call if they wanted to.
We put an extra-long tape for that one because complaints could take a while.
This one doesn't have a number. l wanted to get the message out there.
"Does Anyone else think there's something not quite right about Gary Lineker?"
This one might be handy for some of the front row. I put it in lost section.
"Lost: Virginity. Yes! Get in!"
Does anyone here read Private Eye magazine? Quite a few of you.
You can attest to the fact that the small ads in back of Private Eye are mental.
They are the most mental thing I have seen It's full of people saying things like
"I'm just doing a law degree and need £5,000 to complete my thesis."
And then bank account details. It's the Everest of optimism.
l thought, "I'm getting in on that action." l placed this.
"Needed: 20K. No questions asked."
Then two weeks later, when no one came up with the money - terrible -
l put, "All right. 10K. One question. Nothing personal."
I'm willing to compromise. I'm reasonable man.
There's a "for sale" section in all of these magazines around the country
"Hitachi washing machine DX250, under warranty until kill, kill, kill them all,
"February 2004, in perfect working order, £180 or nearest offer."
The reason I'm so pleased with that is cos I phoned it in.
The only thing the operator said to me was, "ls that four kills?"
"Yeah." "Fine."
"For sale: holiday photos - choice of ski, sun or city break.
"Ideal for anecdote or alibi."
"For sale: bonsai tree. Large."
The other thing I've got quite obsessed by is...
You know the adverts you get on railings at busy intersections in roads?
Up and down the country you get those You've all seen those, yeah?
What kind of nutters reply to those?
A lot of people are out of work and think, "The railings, that's the answer.
"Not a Jobcentre or a friend of a friend. I'll just go with the railing."
Anyway I thought what I'll do "I'll set up some of my own.
"I'll put them up around West London and I'll see who calls."
Nutters, it turns out.
l needn't have bothered my arse.
I'll take you through some of ones I did anyway
"Get rich quick! Simply Set up a premium-rate phone line.
"To find out how, just call 0900..."
"Lose weight fast! Fed up of dieting and exercise?
"Incredible results guaranteed!
"Try amoebic dysentery!"
"ls your memory letting you down? What about your memory?
"ls it letting you down?
"Call for an information pack right now before you forget."
"Money worries? Work from home. Earn pounds.
"You don't even have to get out of bed!
"To find out more, just call Pimp Jimmy."
Well, this is the last one of these.
"Am you grammar letting we down?
"Private tuition available. Now call now."
I don't know if this has ever happened to any of you but
l split up with my last girlfriend because she was very hypocritical.
She'd say, "l love surprises," but when she heard I was sleeping with her sister...
My girlfriend always says, "You never tell me how much you love me."
l don't want to upset her.
A couple of weeks ago we were making love and she had an asthma attack.
l did briefly think I was doing rather well.
At about 90 second two-minute mark I thought "She's laying this on a bit thick."
Either she wants something or she's not well.
l totally panicked. I didn't know what to do
So I phoned a friend of mine who's a doctor. H lives just down the road
l said to him "What shall I do?"
He said, "Don't panic. Could be quite serious. Probably isn't but I'll pop over."
l said, "What shall I do in the meantime?" He said, "Finish yourseIf off."
Don't give me that look. It was the right thing to do.
l realize I shouldn't take the piss out of asthmatics.
They have got enough to worry about
The National asthmatic emergency helpline service was shut down recently.
Apparently a problem with all the obscene phone calls.
A lot of asthmatics in? No. I would have heard you.
I don't know if anyone's got this
Are there lots of couples in this evening? How many couples do we have?
Quite a few, by show of hands. How many by shouting out?
- (Several people shout) - Hundreds. Brilliant.
Does anyone have this arrangement in their relationship?
It's becoming ever more common now
for couples to have an arrangement whereby they're faithful to each other
but they have got a clause whereby if one of them was to meet
a certain celebrity, they'd be allowed to stray.
Has anyone got that going on in their relationship?
- Who have you got? - (Man) You!
Right.
l notice that you're sitting next to a lady.
- (Inaudible comment) - You're gonna do what at home?
- Kill me. - She's gonna kill you? Right.
Or strap one on and fuck you, certainly.
It'll be one or the other.
Anyone else got one?
- You've got one? Who have you got? - Jim Carrey.
All right. He might be up for it.
And who's your boyfriend got?
"Anything, I'm not bothered"?
What? Sorry?
- Anything good-looking. - Anything good-looking?
A bit of a change, yeah. Lovely.
You can't say that.
The reason I mentioned is because I have got an arrangement with my girlfriend
Whereby I get the opportunity to sleep with Kylie Minogue,
she can fuck off.
Are you all aware of what snowballing is? The sexual practice snowballing?
- (Man) Yeah. - Who was that down there?
Quite proud of that. Well done.
Everyone else, nonetheless. OK I'll explain It says something about you.
Snowballing is a sexual practice where Having administered oral sex,
your partner doesn't spit or swallow so much as return to sender via a kiss.
You're looking shocked and appalled as I explained that to you.
Let me assure you, l found out the hard way.
It does raise an interesting moral dilemma.
Should you spit or swallow?
Well, if you really love yourself.
l can see some friends of mine up there And You're explaining it to your mum.
What a brilliant day out that'll be.
What a lovely drive home. "So, this snowballing thing..."
Ha-ha! Marvellous.
- Are there any Catholics in? - (A few people shout)
A few. I'm a lapsed Catholic. I don't know much about Catholicism but I like the ideas.
l like the idea of the confirmation. Confirmation correct me if I'm wrong
It's when you're about 12 and you meet a bishop.
And he says to you, "You're definitely a Catholic."
l don't know if he does that.
He says, "You're definitely a Catholic." He confirms you. You are confirmed
I think it's a very good idea. I think Other religions could do with that.
I think The Jews could do with that. I've got a lot of friends that are Jew
They always say: "I'm Jewish."
A new book's out called Better Than Sex With Claire Rayner.
A lot of things in that fucking category.
I'm struggling to think of anything that wouldn't make the mark.
l suppose the Rwandan genocide might just edge it.
(Groaning)
Well... Good. I was in a book store last week there were third off all titles.
l bought The Lion, The Witch.
l said to the PhD English graduate -
sorry, shop assistant -
"What's this Psycho The Rapist section?"
She said, "I'll think you'll find that's pronounced Psychotherapist."
I don't know if you are all aware of this Are you all aware of the fact that..
Christopher Reeve wrote a book last year?
He wrote a book called: "Nothing ls Impossible"
I said he wrote it he dictated it. It's not important
Come on
Just on the fly leaf cover of the book it says:
"Since the accident, Christopher's never looked back."
I mean Fair enough, but there's no need to rub it in, is there?
l met an incredible girl on the Internet.
Smart, sexy, uninhibited.
Of course It turned out to be a 12-year-old paraplegic boy.
I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing.
Ohh! I think we've reached a barrier there, haven't we?
We will laugh at that and nothing more.
Fair enough.
A couple of weeks ago l failed to perform sexually.
(Laughter)
How is that a laughing matter?
Couple of weeks ago I failed to perform Sexually
I'm not going to go into details. Suffice it to say I arrived early.
My girlfriend said, Don't worry That happens to a lot of guys
l said, "There's two things the matter with that.
"Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'?
"Secondly, if this happened to more than one of us...
"Don't you think it could be your fault?"
She says there's never an excuse to raise your hand to a woman.
What if you've got a question?
She says because she's a woman, she is good at doing two things at the same time
If that's the case why's a threesome out of the question?
I was in the high street the other day There was a girl with the clip board
She said: "Could you spare a few minutes for Cancer Research?"
l said, "All right We're not gonna get much done.
"We can pop in to Boots, see if they've got anything."
You know that disclaimer they put at the end of films? You know the one that says
"The characters and the events in this film are purely fictitious."
"Any relation to real characters and events is coincidental." Yeah?
Do they really need that on Lord Of The Rings?
ls anyone watching that thinking, "This is a brilliant documentary.
"l might think about going to New Zealand on my holidays.
"Wait. I don't want it ruined by Saruman and his Orc army"?
Your hair. Well, I'm just saying.
l like the Spice Girls as much as the next man but...
It's... No, it's... Mm.
l can't help noticing you've got a tattoo on your...
Well, it's your boob, isn't it, really? It draws the eye. What is that, exactly?
- A rose. - It's a rose.
As if boobs aren't fun enough as they are.
She thought, I tell ya I'll brighten these things up.
Loads of fellows are gonna like these "What do guys like? They like flowers.
"I'll get a picture of a flower."
Did you not think.. what do you like.. What kind of thing?
You look like the sort of bloke that would like cars and guns and tanks.
Why not get a nice tattoo of a tank on your tit?
Lovely. He could be going, "Ooh, is that a Sherman?"
Cos flowers, unless he's secretly gay...
And I'll be honest, there's a lot of earrings and spiky hair...
Good. Fine.
l remember before J.Lo, before the term "ghetto booty",
when we used to just call it a fat arse.
J.Lo's had her bum insured for $10 million.
Don't know if that covers contents.
l was talking to my nan about Ant and Dec. She didn't know which was Ant.
l said, "Do you know which one Dec is?" She said, "Yeah."
My girlfriend asked me recently one of the big questions in life.
She said to me, "Do you want to have children?"
l thought about it, I thought: "God,
ls there any truer expression of the love That you have for another person
That to have a child with them?"
Cos really that is a bond that lasts forever. It's not like getting married
Marriages break up. But..
Having a child together, You know you gonna be bonded
through that child for the rest of your life.
Then I thought about the money. I thought how expensive is it bringing up
The child. Apparently It's the most expensive thing you can do.
It costs $100,000 to bring up a child up to the age of 18.
It's incredible amount of money
It's not like buying a house, where you can sell it on
It doesn't appreciate. That's just gone.
Then I thought about education of child
Would I sent him to State school or private school?
I'm doing all right l might think about private school..
But I probably end up sending it to state school and then..you know
Maybe I'd compromise on that become a bit of hypocrite
end up reading the Daily Mail,
going to parent-teacher meetings, becoming my dad. It'd be awful.
Then I thought, More about well, Why am I thinking about having a child?
"Why don't I think about adopting a child?
"Isn't it just about the family unit and love
rather than just having a little mini-me running around the place
Then I thought about how much it'd mean to have my family name live on
and what it would mean to my nearest and dearest.
Then I thought again about relationship with my girlfriend
how That would change I'd probably end up calling her Mum or something
Be sort of really change.. And that'd change my life
It would change my life, probably ruin it.
l weighed up all the pros and all the cons and in the end I said no.
Of course, by then I'd come.
Luckily, all over her tits.
Mum understood that? Good.
Right.
You know Ladies and Gentlemen One of my ambitions is to write a book.
Like many comedians, I'd love to write a book
l don't really wanna write a novel. because I don't know if you ever
Read a Novel by a comedian But they are shite.
We don't seem very good at it.. That you know...
It requires having an idea that lasts more than 30 seconds. Not gonna happen
So what I thought I'd do is a book of correspondence.
That way you're getting someone else to do haIf the work. Always thinking.
- Would you like to hear them? - Yes.
Good, otherwise we'd be having some quiet time.
This is the first letter that I wrote. It's to my local MP. Chris Smith.
"Dear Mr Smith, Do you get tired of people writing to you..
Clearly just wasting your time And have nothing better to do?"
This is to Charlie Statham,who is the head doctor of NHS Direct in West London.
"Dear sir, I heard about a doctor took out an appendix with a coat hanger on a plane
Now I'm not a qualified doctor But I do take an interest
I've got all the proper kit.
"Could you talk me through the procedure?
"Please write back soon. She's in terrible pain."
ls anyone in here a member of Amnesty International?
Someone's timidly put up a hand. Are you worried about being persecuted?
l wrote a letter to the head of Amnesty International in the UK.I hope you like it
It's to Kate Allen, director of Amnesty International UK.
"Dear madam, I like what you people do.
"Writing letters to complain about human rights violations
"is like a political version of Point Of View.
"The BBC or fascist leader may not change what they do as a result
"but at least you slow down their day as they wade through the post bag.
"I'd be surprised if they got round to torturing anyone before 11:30.
The number of letters you send
Lots of People do nothing because they know they cannot change the world
"but you good people are not deterred from making futile gestures for human rights,
"and l, for one, applaud you.
"Inspired by your unilateral approach l decided to hold a fund raising dinner
on your behaIf in my home
"l charged people £20 a head, to come and enjoy a meal
and drinks with all profits to go to Amnesty.
"Although a success creatively, we went with a South American theme,
"unfortunately the groceries were expensive as was the booze
In the end I made a loss.
"You now owe me £57.40."
Amnesty, God bless them, got back to me almost immediately with this letter
To be honest, it's a little bit condescending.
"Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your letter I was delighted to hear that you're a supporter of Amnesty.
"You do appear to have a few misunderstandings about the work we do
"so I've enclosed a copy of our new information leaflet, What We Do."
Which, fair enough, is a very good name for an information leaflet.
"I've also enclosed a copy of our new annual review, Human Rights Before Profit."
I've had a flick through and it's no way to run a company.
"Regarding your recent fund raising dinner,
"I'm sorry to hear all your energy and creativity which you put into event
"did not resuIt in you making your planned donation.
"l usually advise our supporters to start small and build up with fund raising
"It's also an excellent idea to work out a simple budget beforehand
"and have a think about
just how many people you can attract as guests to your event
"This helps immeasurably with planning your expenditure and setting your ticket price
"and hopefully will ensure a different outcome at your next fund raiser
"In terms of your request that Amnesty reimburse you for the loss
I'm afraid I'll have to say no."
Well I was very disappointed and $57.40 out of pocket.
But I had a money making idea Who here buys Fair Trade products?
Anyone? Quite a few of you. Tea, coffee, sugar, that kind of thing.
l think I spotted a gap in the market, so I wrote them a letter.
"I'm writing because I think I've spotted a gap in the market." Told you.
"No one is more exploited than the farmer of the cocoa leaf.
"Whilst drug barons get rich exploiting both 3rd world farmers
And Ist World and recreational users,
"we stand by and do nothing.
"l propose a Fair Trade cocaine joint venture.
"l have a contact in distribution,
"and you guys have the perfect cover to sail through customs.
"Who knows, if it all takes off, we could end up millionaires...
Brackets (and help the poor.)
l wrote this one to Martin Bell, the man in the white suit, political campaigner.
"Dear Mr Bell, your personal assistant is keeping things from you."
I've not had a reply to that which would seem to suggest I'm right.
This is what I wrote to... In terms of taste and decency,
we take a bit of a dark turn here. Let's be honest
It's a letter I wrote to David Yelland when he was editor of the Sun.
"Dear Yelland."
l thought that was good. Tabloidy, strong.
Dear Yelland, There is been a lot of talk about genetic engineering.
Obviously its a very complex area.
Could you tell me? ls it wrong to breed piglets
Specifically for the purpose of weaning paedophiles off babies?
Only I'm thinking of starting a company with a slogan:
'They'll squeal, but not to the cops.'
l think it's morally acceptable to write that letter I think it's OK to laugh
but to applaud really that is bad taste.
l wrote this to Sir John Stevens, Metropolitan Police Commissioner.
"Dear Sir John, I've got a bet on with a friend.
l say most policemen are just nice guys doing their job
"He says all coppers are cunts.
"Which is it?"
What shall we do here? Very much your decision.
I wrote a letter to Stephen Hawking? Would you like to hear it?
- (All) Yes. - Fine.
On your own heads be it. It's to Stephen Hawking in Cambridge University.
"Dear Professor, I know you get lots of letters..
asking you all sort of things about the nature of the universe
"and I also know you don't have a lot of time
On you hands to be answering all of them in great detail.
"But Perhaps this question from my nine-year old will inspire you a little.
"He is severely disabled and has similar limitations to you
"but equally he has a great spirit and refuses to give in on a world
"ready to dismiss him
"as a four-eyed, Mono Tonal voice-box wheelchair-bound freak.
"Anyway, What he'd like to know is, would you like to come over and play?"
Obviously When you've sent a letter like that you're not expecting a reply.
You are Certainly not expecting a phone call.
But that's what I got
My younger Patrick brother answered the phone
and passed it to me and said it's Stephen Hawking's assistant.
l was slightly taken aback.
She was enquiring as to the name of my son.
Now The only disability my son has is that tragically he's fictitious.
But as i said My younger brother Patrick had answered the phone, so I said Patrick.
Gave the name and Then she asked about his disabilities and I...
You know what u find on daytime TV I was able to cobble something together.
And the reason I did that was not to sort of continue the joke
l thought she'd be embarrassed on phone if I say it was a silly joke,
so I thought I don't wanna embarrass her I'd say it and that would be the end to it.
But it wasn't the end to it at all About two weeks later I received this letter
And She sent me a biography of Stephen Hawking with a photo.
It's not signed.
About a week after that I got this letter from Stephen Hawking himself.
It's absolutely genuine. I'll read it to you now.
"Dear Patrick, my assistant Karen has sent me a letter from your father
"who tells me you've invited me to come over and play.
"It's very kind of you to send me the invitation
but unfortunately I'm teaching at Caltech in Pasadena until 1st May."
Ooh.
"So I can't take you up on your offer.
"Even though I am 60, l think it's never too late to play.
"One of my birthday treats was to go for a balloon ride and that was really exciting
"If you're interested, contact Ian at Innovative Ballooning.
"There's the contact details and phone number."
l did contact him and he'd bought us a balloon ride.
l did briefly considered crippling my brother to take him up on it.
The reason I sort of shared that with you Ladies and Gentlemen
Cos you know it's all a bit clever-clever, sending people letters and
kind of running away
but that one went horribly wrong.
And I also thought it demonstrated that Stephen Hawking is
Not only a brilliant man but a brilliant bloke. What a lovely thing to do
You know, he's... Fair enough.
Having said that ..responding to a letter where you, yourseIf are described
as a four-eyed mono tonal voice-box wheelchair-bound freak...
maybe not that clever.
This is the last letter, It's the letter I wrote to HSBC. Anyone bank with HSBC?
- (Several voices) Yes. - Quite few of you. Here's the letter.
"Dear Sir or Madam, I really love your latest HSBC commercials,
"the ones about cultural diversity..
And the importance of communicative sensitivity in international finance.
"Having said that I must take issue with the statement you make
"that the rudest thing in you can do in Thailand is to reveal the soles of your feet
"Now, I've been to Thailand, in my year off,
"and I can tell you, you can do things a lot ruder than that there.
"A lot ruder.
"My friend Keith shat in a hooker's mouth for a tenner.
"l just wanted to let you know in case you are thinking about doing another ad
"about Holland or something."
Thank you.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
l said, "All right, fatty."
Things don't always work out the way you think.
l always thought it would be my mum that would catch me masturbating.
You think you're shocked. Imagine my surprise.
According to Official statistics say one third of accidents at work go unreported.
How on earth do they know?
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend
And I used to think he went everywhere with me.
That i could talk to him he could hear me and he could grant me wishes and stuff.
And then I grew up
and I stopped going to church.
(Some laughter)
That seems to have divided the room somewhat.
There's two distinct groups there, There's people that thought that was funny,
And there is a larger group who will be going to heaven.
While we are on subject of religion
l imagine there's quite a few people in here that go to Mass
or wherever Protestants go - hell, I'd imagine. I don't know..
Have you all seen the new Mel Gibson film?
The Passion Of The Christ. It's upset an awful lot of Christians.
They are very up.. They are up in arms about it
He made a film about life of the Christ
but he's tacked on a silly Hollywood ending where the hero comes back at the end
(Raucous laughter)
Does she love the little baby Jesus?
Does she love the little baby Jesus or not?
ls she going for a wee? ls it a wee or a poo?
Shall we time her?
It's always a bit embarrassing, isn't it?
When people say they hear voices in their heads -
as opposed to where, exactly?
Hearing voices in your legs, that's properly mental.
l saw an advert for aduIt literacy classes..
in the newspaper.
Are there any single men in this evening? Anyone single?
You're single. Well.. Don't panic. I've got some advice for you
If you really like a girl and she says to you, "l love you like a brother,"
suggest a weekend in Norfolk.
Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
- You don't look like you're from Norfolk. - I'm from Thetford in Norfolk.
You're from Thetford in Norfolk?
Right.
- ls that your sister? Girlfriend? Both? - Sister.
And you're here with your sister?
Not really, though?
"Saturday night out, I'll take my sister. She's a looker."
Have you ever with...
I'm only asking.
Do you think your sister's attractive, can I ask?
- Do you think she's attractive? - She's OK.
Would you give her one?
That was very low. Sorry.
What about you, love?
l can't believe that. He's from Norfolk and he's brought his sister.
It could scarcely be better.
I'm amazed you didn't bring your mum. Did you split up?
Oh, marvellous. I imagine your family tree's a straight line, is it?
It's just a piece of timber.
Sorry. I may have misjudged this. It looks like as if...
There may be a short fight after the gig, which I imagine I'll be losing.
Where is she? Do you think she's got bladder problems?
Maybe some sort of yeast infection?
We'll ask her when she comes back.
l just hope she hasn't got any vaginal difficulties.
It's a lovely word, isn't it, "vaginal"?
Oh, clearly not.
I got a friend that picked up two girls last week.
l said, "They're like buses."
He said, "Yeah, you wait ages and then two come along at once"
l said, "No. They are like buses."
Someone complained about that joke couple of weeks ago, after a show.
Quite a big-boned girl.
She said to me, "l think you're fattist."
l said, "No, no, no. I think you're fattest."
Someone calls Admiral Insurance every six seconds for a quote.
What a nutter.
Environmentalists tell us that every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed.
Why is it never Wales?
Are there Welsh people in this evening?
- (Woman) Yes. - You're from Wales? Don't worry.
Do you know what the most common crime is in Wales?
No? Hang on, I've got to ask someone about her fufu.
That's a long time for a pee. Are you all right?
- You're fine? ls that better? - Yeah.
Bless you. I'm just talking to your friend about being from Wales.
Do you know what the most common crime is in Wales? have a Guess.
- Guess. - Sheep shagging.
Sheep shagging?
Well, that's rather insulting, isn't it?
And to add insuIt to injury, you're wrong. It's not sheep shagging. It's ram raiding.
The second most common crime is having sex with a minor.
If anyone's offended, look for the other meaning you will be fine.
l bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking.
Which is ideal for her because not only is she a vegetarian...
She's reading a book at the moment called, Women That Love Too Much,
which I think could have the title shortened to Sluts.
The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent,
it's because old women are so very ugly.
When it comes to the environment, Its not us but our children...
And our children's children that will pay for our mistakes.
Which is a relief.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea,
you never get that tea.
Throwing acid is wrong...
in some people's eyes.
l went up to the airport information desk.
l said, "How many airports are there in the world?"
She said, "l don't know."
I went up to the check-in desk the girl said to me "Window seat or aisle?"
l said, "Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?"
She said, "No, No, No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?"
l said, "I'll have a seat."
l bought one of those round-the-world air ticket. £1200. Amazing value.
37 hours later, I arrived at Heathrow.
A lot of people say modern art is pretentious but I look at it like this...
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?
They don't fancy each other.
If you eat a lot of spicy food you can damage your sense of taste.
When I was in India last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Every year in this country thousands of dogs are needlessly and pointlessly destroyed.
Every night hundreds of homeless people go hungry.
All I'm saying is...
it wouldn't happen in Korea.
I'd like to take this opportunity to recommend Korean food.
to each and everyone of you.Their cuisine is delicious. Their delicacies.
They're the dog's bollocks.
On holiday I went walking in the Lakes.
It's called swimming.
While I was there.. l met a beautiful girl and fell in love
but she was going out with friend of mine so I had to hide the way I felt.
That's not easy, wearing Speedos.
Men tend to fall asleep directly after sex.
All I'm saying is, maybe if women put a bit more into it...
Sorry, that's not meant to be misogynistic in any way
l was reading, in Tits And Arse magazine,
Very interesting and informative article.
It was about the difficulties of asking your partner for anal sex
It was entitled What If She Takes It The Wrong Way?
l see you're shifting uncomfortably. l didn't mean to offend you.
Whatever you decide about anal sex, I'm sure he'll be right behind you.
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
l just thought I'd slip that in.
What I'd like to do.I've done a couple of interviews on television.
I've done Des O'Connor, I have done Parkinson.
l was all right on them I was fine but I wasn't brilliant
and I'd like to get better So what I'd like to do is
to practice with a member of the audience, doing an interview.
- Now, Would anyone like to interview me? - (Woman) Yes.
Yes. Right. Her.
What's your name? What?
(Inaudible response)
I tell you what We'll discuss it here because
it sounds to me like you don't have a proper name.
But The lady in the blue, as you will now be known.
You want to stick a mic on her? Unless you're busy.
Unless you're busy standing by a door.
I'll be honest, she could get up as well. Christ!
Thank God she could get up, cos that would...
Come over here.
- Come and sit down. Hello. - I thought I was sitting in my own chair.
You thought you were sitting In your own chair? Unlucky.
- I thought it was a joke. You thought it was a joke? - Well, it sort of is.
Have you not seen a pattern emerging? There's a list of questions.
What's your name?
- I don't make up my own questions? - You can make up your own. Feel free.
- My name is Blanid. - Blanid?
- It's Irish. - It's Irish for what? Typo?
- I'm not gonna tell you - What is it Irish for?
- (Man) Flower. - That's it. Yeah.
- What kind of flower? - Little flower.
- Not self-raising? - No.
- Little flower? - Yeah.
- It's not difficult. - ls it spelt...
Oh, well, fair enough. All right, little flower.
l just worry, on the DVD, if you're watching this back at home,
l can pronounce "blonde", right?
Blanid. Go ahead.
Kick off. Ask anything you want. I've got those there but you know...
Do you want me to speak from this? Do you want me to ask these questions?
It's not complicated.
- OK. - Right back at you.
It would appear, Blanid, I've got the skills to pay the bills.
- Great to have you here. - Great to be here.
What do you...
Try and hold it together. You're not Graham Norton.
No, I'm not Graham Norton. What do you think about fame?
I'm glad you've asked. A lot of people ...
A lot of people they get their first little taste of fame
And they let it go to their heads.
They end up in Priory Clinic talking about themselves in the third person.
Let me assure you Jimmy Carr's not gonna let that happen.
Who would you most like to sleep with, anyone living or dead?
Anyone living.
What...
This could take a while.
Which is your greatest regret?
They say you should regret the things you have done
Not the things you have not..
but my greatest regret is something that I didn't do, a girl called Barbara.
OK. What...
Do I look like a wife-beater now, because she's crying?
(Blanid gasps)
- I'm sorry. - No, it's fine.
l think I might be giving her an orgasm. I'm not S....
I've never seen it before. I've got no frame of reference.
Don't worry, you're not.
Don't have a go.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
All I'm saying is... When you think about it...
Can I park here? ls it in yet?
Where do you get your ideas from?
l think it's the cerebellum but it could be the frontal cortex.
- Which book changed your life? - Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.
- What is your most embarrassing... - Hang on. There's more to that.
Feed line, punch line, then we move on.
OK, go for it. What is your favourite record of all time?
It's a different question.
- Go back to the book, damn it. - OK.
- What book changed your life? - Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.
Before I got that book, we had a wonky table in the kitchen.
What's...
What's the worst heckle you've ever had?
l was doing a gig in Bristol and told a joke, Not a brilliant joke..
"Has anyone been caught thieving in the Middle East?
"Let's have a show of hands."
A bloke about four rows back held up a hook.
Properly Abu Hamza style.
To my eternal shame I said, "Give him a big hand."
- You're going to edit all this, I hope. - Well, your bits, yeah.
How do you relax?
l put Smarties tubes on cats' legs and make them walk like a robot.
If I'm really tense, l make it go down the stairs.
- They get a bit confused. - Yeah.
A cat looking confused is brilliant. Little face...
- What makes you angry? - When I can't get the lid off the Valium.
Which historical figure do you most admire?
Joan of Arc. Lovely tits.
What would you like to do before you die?
Kylie.
So predictable.
Any other questions of your own... Any other questions of your own?
Any questions?
Most people would just read that and think of a question.
Oh... me..
So you're Irish, are you?
Imagine my surprise. I'm actually... Where in Ireland?
- Dublin. - I'm actually what people refer to as a "plastic Paddy".
- I've got Irish parents and Irish passport - But you were born grew up in England?
No, I was born in Ireland, Irish passport, Irish parents...
I've got an Irish passport, everything Irish.
But I speak like this and present myself like this because I was educated in the UK.
Goes to show what you can do when you apply yourself.
Every time I speak to an Irish person, Now, I'm slightly saddened.
l think it doesn't have to be this way.
Well, I think you've done a wonderful job, Blon... Blondee.
- Blanid. - Blanid.
Thank you. Thanks very much for talking to me.
- Thank you... Indeed - Johnny... Jimmy... Sorry.
That was low, wasn't it?
Give her a big round of applause. Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks very much. That was lovely.
If you had to choose between
saving your own life and saving the life of a loved one
most people agree it would make a brilliant game show.
Mother always said, "If you haven't got anything nice to say, fuck off."
l read an interview with Margaret Thatcher a Couple of years ago
And in it she was talking about her funeral. She said:
"l don't want my funeral to be a morbid affair. I want it to be a celebration."
l thought, "You won't be disappointed, love."
My sister had a baby, I went to see it She said, "Do you Want to wind him?"
l said, "I'll give him a dead leg, shall l?"
Cats have got nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation.
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas,
so do be careful at the office party.
Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad That's embarrassing.
l didn't know they knew how to use the camcorder.
A very common male fantasy is two women at the same time.
One to cook, one to clean.
(Groaning)
Easy. I'm joking. They want to fuck them.
l live quite near a special needs school.
There's a sign outside. It says, "Slow children".
l thought that can't do much for their self-esteem.
But look on the positive side. Of course, They can't read it.
I'm afraid that's almost all I've got time for this evening Ladies and Gentlemen
Just one thing left that I'd like to do which is go through Jimmy Carr merchandise,
if we could just lock the doors.
I've gone for some comedy T-shirts, which I'd like to show you they are up here
The comedy T-shirt, it's an underutilised medium, in my opinion.
Hang on. What? It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Sell a bit of ware. The Rolling Stones do it. Why not me?
This is the first one I did. "I'm with stupid." What do you think?
You could wear it and the person next to you...
It's got "jimmycarr.com" on the sleeve.
On the back it says, "National Association of Special Needs Carers".
Who thought that was it?
"My girlfriend went on a UN trip to investigate child labour in the Far East
"and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
There's a very serious issue. Children as young as 10 are working 80 hours a week
in sweatshops in the Far East stitching trainers.
l wouldn't mind, but it's the workmanship that suffers.
This one's rather predictable. But it's kind of fun
"The Christian Alliance Against Bad Language...
"Can Fuck Off."
Got Another religious one. But for a reason This is the best-selling T-shirt ever
"Jesus loves you." The most popular T-shirt ever.
"He's not 'in love' with you."
l was gonna go for "He's not fussy about looks." But I thought no.
Incidentally, if we're all God's children,
what's so special about Jesus?
This is "Love hurts". That's a nice sentiment, isn't it?
Shows a sensitive side. "Love hurts.
"Try a lubricated finger."
This takes a little bit of explaining.
It's: "True love waits." It's The slogan of the Promise Keepers.
They're an organization in America
that believe in holding on to their virginity and chastity until marriage.
Britney Spears was a member. There's footage of her leaving on the internet.
"True love waits" is such a lovely slogan. It deserves a T-shirt.
"Pulls out and comes on her tits."
l imagine you've got the hang of this. Guess this one.
It's "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."
No idea? "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.
"Rohypnol."
There was a story in the paper earlier this year
about an Englishman arrested in Ayia Napa for taking advantage of 3 girls
by putting Rohypnol in their drinks.
What's the world coming to? In Ayia Napa?
You're telling me Rohypnol is now cheaper than 3 Bacardi Breezers?
Now, this one... The man on my right, your left, is on fire.
Can you all see that? He's on fire.
"Special Olympics torch arrives."
l did briefly consider the phrase "flame-retarded". I thought no.
Let's not get out of hand.
Well, This is the last one. I'm going to leave you with this.
It's been a pleasure talking to you this evening obviously..
This is a lovely T-shirt.
"World's Best Dad."
- Are there any dads in? - Yes.
This may be a nice thing to wear round the house. Wear it with pride.
"World's Best Dad.
"l fucked your mum."
I've been Jimmy Carr. You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you. Cheers.
(Cheering and whistling)
I don't know if that's ever happened to any of you
You've had quite a good day at work, You had everything done that you needed
and then you've been kept behind at the end for some reason.
Anyway, thanks very much.
Right, the encore. I suppose I'd better do some more jokes, really.
- How many do you want? - (Man) Ten.
l can do ten. Shall we count them down?
Yeah, why don't we count them down? Fuck it.
I have got a friend, She's got a theory
She reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire
is to nibble on his ear lobes for hours and hours.
l think it's bollocks.
One. One.
Hang on. All together or not at all.
(All) One.
We've got to do this ten times. I've talked myseIf into a corner.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
Not the best advice I've ever been given.
l burst in and said, "Can I have a new bike?"
He was very upset.
His secretary was surprisingly nice about it.
l got the bike.
(All) Two.
At the races, my friend said, "Don't back the heavily-handicapped horses."
l said, "I'm not a fucking idiot.
l know that for them it's all about taking part.
In their own way, they're all winners."
(Audience) Three.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato.
Correct me if I'm wrong - that's a pizza.
(Audience) Four.
Well, four and fuck off.
Not you.
A lot of people say men with big flashy cars have tiny cocks.
Am I the only one that reckons women with Espaces and people-carriers...
Well, clearly not.
l thought l was gonna have to say "bucket fanny".
Thankfully, that's been avoided.
(Audience) Five.
Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be three things.
It could be cystitis, it could be a bush fire...
or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.
(Audience) Six.
When it comes to charity, a lot of people will stop at nothing.
(Audience) Seven.
l saw a charity appeal in the Guardian a few weeks ago.
"Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles every day to fetch water."
l couldn't help thinking...
"She should move."
(Audience) Eight.
I've sponsored a child in Africa. She's got the Jimmy Carr T-shirt and hat.
But I worry if it's doing any good. I've not got any more bookings.
(Audience) Nine.
l was out last week collecting for a sponsored walk.
In the end I raised so much money, l was able to afford a taxi.
(Audience) Ten.
Just before the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen...
- We've had fun, haven't we? - (All) Yes.
It was a laugh. I enjoyed myself.
Fuck you.
No, thank you very much for coming.
l don't want to bring you down at the end of the show
but I'd like to tell you this frightening fact, to end on this.
If you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in just one week,
you could feed the Third World for one year.
l don't know about you, but I can't help feeling
we're being overcharged for our groceries.
I've been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed.
Cheers.
(Whistling and cheering)
Thanks very much.
Cheers. Bye.
(Band plays National Anthem)
Subtitles By: Exclusive pappu.innocent@mail.com